Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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