I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
