i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
