All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
