Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She needs sedatives and a leash
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
