Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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