what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
