I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
