Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
