I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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