I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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