I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
