I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
