I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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