the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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