just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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