youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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