i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
