everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
