i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
