There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
