Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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