How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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