Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
