Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
