My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
