Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
