i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
