U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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