Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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