Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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