There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
