She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
