Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dignity is for republicans.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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