Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
