Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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