After last night, I could never be a politician.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
