I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Randomize
