I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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