I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
