Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think i have herpe
just one?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
