I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
