It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How naked do you want me to be?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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