I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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