Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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