yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
