he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
