Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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