I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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