I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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