Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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