Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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