We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
