please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
