i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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