Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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