and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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